Invent new social types for the current decade Costaways: teenage students on pointless, impractical and unprofitable university or...

A poem that might have been included in T.S. Eliot’s ‘Old Possum’s Book of Practical Dogs’ Hieronymus Hound has his nose to the ground...

The views of an inanimate object, in verse, on its owner You’re clearly narcissistic. You’re the soul of vanity. You gaze at me for hours...

The publicity blurb for an implausibly titled but real book, ‘I Was Tortured by a Pygmy Sex Queen’ Emerging unscathed from Sexton’s...

A dialogue in verse between a well-known writer and one of his or her creations ‘Oh why did you snaffle my toes When I once had twice...

A competition loser’s lament Oh dire day! Oh cruel fate! Immersed in overwhelming grief I weep into my handkerchief And rue my sad and...

A poem bemoaning the general decline in the standards of literacy incorporating the words: – elicit, illicit, lessen, lesson,...

A classified advertisement which is unlikely to elicit a response Jumbo GooGun – the easy-to-use, sure to amuse Toddlers’ ‘Toy of the...

A poem by a well-known poet retracting something said in a previous poem Though I vow that once we met, I now confess that I was lying,...

A contemporary version of the 18th-century satirical song, ‘The Vicar of Bray’ In trendy times when Tony ruled, Rejecting the absurd way,...

A poem in the style of William Topaz McGonagall on an issue of contemporary relevance to the Scot Beleaguered city of Edinburgh! You are...

An extract from a novel in the style of the author where one letter of the title has been changed Such was the variety to be observed...

An argument, in verse, for the superiority of one vegetable over another With judgement unbiased and clinical care, The sprout with the...

A verse motto for a household object (Bathroom scales) I fill you with fear, You think I’m unkind, You rarely come near But I weigh on...

A sequel to Betjeman’s ‘A Subaltern’s Love Song’ Miss Joan Hunter Dunn, Miss Joan Hunter Dunn, Amazed, how I gazed on the girl I had won,...

A proposal for a new TV reality show after the demise of Big Brother Hi, CJ! Visualise this: new series title – Keep Your Cool! – a dozen...

A lesson in the facts of life courtesy of Mrs Malaprop Approbate the facts of life: I learned more from the bards than the bees – and...

A press release by the tourist board of a fictional holiday destination. Exclusive to children – accessible by Underground – the ideal...

A poem to be recited on the Fourth Plinth in Trafalgar Square Here behold me, raised in glory, lifted to my proper station. Hearken all...

An extract from the diary of the partner of a famous person Peter can be so pedantic. This morning I mention the fog and he says, ‘Fog in...