A contemporary version of the 18th-century satirical song, ‘The Vicar of Bray’ In trendy times when Tony ruled, Rejecting the absurd way,...

A poem in the style of William Topaz McGonagall on an issue of contemporary relevance to the Scot Beleaguered city of Edinburgh! You are...

An argument, in verse, for the superiority of one vegetable over another With judgement unbiased and clinical care, The sprout with the...

A verse motto for a household object (Bathroom scales) I fill you with fear, You think I’m unkind, You rarely come near But I weigh on...

A sequel to Betjeman’s ‘A Subaltern’s Love Song’ Miss Joan Hunter Dunn, Miss Joan Hunter Dunn, Amazed, how I gazed on the girl I had won,...

A proposal for a new TV reality show after the demise of Big Brother Hi, CJ! Visualise this: new series title – Keep Your Cool! – a dozen...

A lesson in the facts of life courtesy of Mrs Malaprop Approbate the facts of life: I learned more from the bards than the bees – and...

A press release by the tourist board of a fictional holiday destination. Exclusive to children – accessible by Underground – the ideal...

A poem to be recited on the Fourth Plinth in Trafalgar Square Here behold me, raised in glory, lifted to my proper station. Hearken all...

An extract from the diary of the partner of a famous person Peter can be so pedantic. This morning I mention the fog and he says, ‘Fog in...

An excoriating review of a work that is generally deemed to be a literary masterpiece For a fruitless foray into balderdash at its best,...

A poem in praise of adjectives And what made England’s mountains ‘green’ or April showers ‘sweet’? The adjective! It crowns the noun and...

A politician’s speech written by a famous writer (A speech for Gordon Brown written by Dylan Thomas) I give you, voters, this dream....

An anthem for a county of one’s choice And did this shire, from days of yore, Shine as the jewel in Britain’s crown? And was there ever...

A poem containing the line ‘Whenever you see a rhinoceros’ The rhino, as many would postulate Is a twin-horned delight, an adorable sight...

Pithy definitions of Hell Hell: alarm call; Monday morning; missing sock; snapped shoelace; mirror image; scales’ reading; blunt razor;...

A poem incorporating the titles of at least six Alfred Hitchcock films Rebecca was keen, I confess, On The man who knew too much. A...

An extract from the school essay of well-known figure Mother always enjoys holidays sigh the bee so this year father took us to Meston...

A spiced-up children’s poem The owl and the pussy cat went to sea With a shamelessly shocking young shrew, They said, ‘We agree that to...

Proverbs for the 21st century You’re never too old to earn. Where there’s a will there’s inheritance tax plus solicitor’s fees. There’s a...